Not so funny

This weekend I’ve been in contemplation over some words that I must share.  To understand the context, I present you with a short video clip.  If you have 3 minutes feel free to watch or skip to the 2-minute mark and hit play.   CLICK HERE

From 1999-2006  as part of the youth ministry I ran, we would host events for young people all over the city.  Concerts with thousands of people and worship services just for high school and junior high students.  One of the more popular guests at our 15,000 square foot, 7 Million dollar youth facility was a guy named Scott Wood.  He was funny!  Whenever we would fly Scott in to perform the place was electric and students wanted to be in church.

What is not shown in this particular clip is his next nursery rhyme he says “Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub, ew that’s gross, I blew them up”.  This was his grand finale, people were literally choking with laughter.  I always laughed so hard!  Yet his joke and the crowd’s response to it drove my secret deeper and my shame stronger.  The laughter confirmed that I could never tell.

What’s not so funny is that I can think of 4 specific times in my 15 years as a youth pastor where young men came to me with a confession that they had a sexual attraction to guys.   This put me in an uncomfortable situation as I wanted to say I have the same feelings.   Honestly, those conversations made me feel so uncomfortable, I did not do my best for those kids.  For that, I apologize.  It was not funny!

Today, I was a bit melancholy.  At first, I did not know why.  But, I think this is it.  I’m still dealing with the micro-aggressions from people about homosexuality.  I feel it.  It’s not always overt, but a certain illegitimacy gets communicated.   I’m tired of it.  I get angry about it.  It’s changing for the better but not fast enough.

I want to thank Trey Pearson and the way he is bolder than me to call it what it is.  He has inspired me to take a stronger stand to advocate for LGBT folks and to speak about toxic belief systems that marginalize people.  The last couple years I have partnered with Trey to help him run his secret facebook group called Trey’s Safe Space.  Here hundreds of people share their struggles to come out and feel accepted by family and friends and church.

 

 

Orlando

On Tuesday evening I sat with a young gay man who shared with me that he had been on vacation in Orlando and had been at the Pulse night club just weeks before the shooting.

Like me, in his private moments, his eyes filled with tears as he thought about the people killed.

Also, without hesitation he began to whisper some of this thoughts as we sat at Bigby because intuitively he has been conditioned to be careful how loud he speaks about his reality.

Would some passer-by jeer?  Would they comment if they heard us having a conversation about being gay?  Is there a chance that they would preach against him, shame him or even be volatile?

He started a new job a month ago.  Will people hold it against me if they learn that i’m gay is a thought that goes through his mind.   This week, in a staff meeting the topic of the shooting came up and someone looked to him expecting a response.  He mentioned that he was there a few weeks back.  He chose to be vulnerable and expose himself instead of making up a story.  He didn’t want to do this so early on in the job but he chose to be honest.

The next day there was a card on his desk from his boss expressing her empathy and support for him in this time.  She understood and validated him in his sadness.

All of the hatred, marginalization, fear, shaming, propaganda and reduction of problems to one sure factor has my head spinning this week.   All of this negativity led me to post a reminder.

I posted Philippians 4:8 on my wall without the scripture reference.  I needed to remind myself that it is important to think about positive things.  I think that reminder was well received and that is reflected by likes and smiles and comments.

My very next post was about some Jewish Rabbis who went to a gay bar and loved on a group of people who were hurting because of the shooting in Orlando. It brought tears to my eyes to read the action of these men to incarnate themselves into the lives of people who are hurting and to stand beside them and tell them that they are loved unconditionally.  These Rabbis came out of there zone of comfort to show something tangible.

Guess how many people responded to my next post?

Facebook will not change the world.  You and I will do that when we love in tangible ways.

Brave

With her notebook in hand she jumped into the passenger seat of my car.  I asked where she was headed?   She told me that the Speak EZ Lounge had an open mic night and she was doing some last minute Uber ride notes on her speech. The night’s topic was about how people of the opposite sex had impacted life.  She told me of her exit from an abusive relationship and the many things she had discovered about herself.  She was full of enthusiasm about the change in her life in just a short year and a half.

I told her that I had been doing some writing myself the last year or so.   I shared the basic details about coming out and we bantered a bit back and forth about it.  I wished her good luck and dropped her off.  It was late and I wanted to do a few more Uber rides before I called it quits for the night.  I was also intrigued and thought it would be fun to stop in and listen quietly in the back.

My next request came through and I was off to pick up my next customer.  Then another and another until the nagging “why not, it might be fun” voice rose to the surface.  I found parking, walked in and sat at the bar and ordered a drink.  I looked around but I didn’t see her.  When I asked the bartender if the lady who told the story about her abusive husband went up yet I learned I had missed her.

Suddenly, she appeared behind me exclaiming she couldn’t believe I came back. I apologized that I missed her speech.  No worries she said and then coaxed me to get up there and tell my story.  My immediate reaction was no thanks.  Then after a few more sips of my beer I decided that I may as well give it a shot.  I walked up to the MC and asked if it was too late for another entry.  He said that I would be last.  I waited for my name to be called and I was up.

Afterwards, I felt great. I walked back to my seat and then my Uber rider screamed as third place was award to me.  I had no idea that it was a contest.  On my way out several people introduced themselves to me and thanked me for sharing.

Sometimes you just need a little nudge.

 

Here’s the link to watch the video:

https://drive.google.com/a/webkujenga.com/file/d/0B3IOKxDypKLUSEJpUXRXVHI3U1U/view?usp=sharing

 

 

 

Unwanted

What happens to the guy who was a Pastor for 18 years and then tells everyone he’s gay?  Do you know?  I suppose you can always check on Facebook to see if he posts anything.  Maybe something controversial?  Maybe something insightful?  Maybe something nostalgic?    He’s been pretty quiet lately.  I wonder what he’s doing?

How are his kids?  What is happening with his ex wife?  How is she doing?  How is he doing?  Does he have a job?   Does he still go to church?  Does he still believe in God?   Does he have friends?  Does he regret coming out? Does he have community?

Will he start another church someday?  How many friends from his past have stayed in touch?  How many have made him feel unwanted?

 

Last week I got a call from the manager at a Cellular phone store.  He had seen my resume online and asked if I would come in and talk to him.  We met in the back room and he described to me the position that was available.  He shared the compensation plan, and what the training and schedule would look like week to week.   After a year of looking for jobs it felt good to perceive that this guy really wants to hire me.

He began to describe the company’s values. Everything they do was for Christ.  He shared that the owner was the board president at a very large not for profit here in West Michigan. He told me of his involvement in his church and that several other people on staff were attending Bible College. This was a great place to work he explained.  We have integrity here and want to provide great customer service. He advised me to go home to my wife and kids and pray about the decision.  I said ok, we shook hands and I left.  Somehow I just can’t see myself thriving there.  I’m going to pass on that job offer.  However, it did make me think and cause me to desire to share a few thoughts.

My entire ministry I worked very hard to advocate for those who felt they didn’t belong.  I created space in my life and in the communities I cultivated to say to others that they are welcome with no strings attached.  I’m not sure I’ve felt that reciprocated these past 2 years and I feel very sad about that.  I know i’m not alone in feeling unwanted.  I know many people that want to be a part of a church but feel like I did to the manager at the Cellular store.  That if you knew more about me you wouldn’t want me.

This is so sad.  I know better.  I know what the scripture teaches about God’s thoughts towards his creation and his people.  Yet, I haven’t darkened the door of a church in almost a year.  I feel unwanted.  I hope that will change.

 

It comes up

Do I tell people I’m gay?

Is it none of their business?

If my Uber riders enter conversation with me they usually wonder what I used to do, why I’m not doing that anymore and it leads to me just stating the facts.  I could be vague.  However, for whatever reason, most of the time I choose to state it this way.  I was a Pastor, I told my wife and church that I’m gay and now i’m divorced and trying to figure out what’s next.

This last week, I picked up two men and a lady.  They were co-workers.  They had been drinking and advised me they needed take several stops.  We dropped off the guy in the back at his house and immediately, the woman summoned the guy in the front to come and sit with her in the back seat.  He stated that he would at the next stop.

We had a good chat as he asked about how Uber works and about different regulation issues he had heard about.  The next stop was their office.  The two of them got out to run up to her office quickly.  As he left the front seat I happened to notice his wedding band.  Ten minutes later the two of them got in the back seat to the next stop.  He sat in the passenger rear and she chose to sit in the middle seat in the back.

The next 20 minutes were very quiet back there.  A lot of whispers and as I glanced at my rear view mirror I wondered what was happening.  He had said he needed to be brought home after we dropped her off.  Was that going to happen?

She exited and he stayed in the back.  We headed to his place. We chatted about our kids, his job as a lawyer and then he asked and I told.  His first question was about my faith.  He wondered how I’m doing?  I gave him an honest answer that my understanding of who Jesus is, what he did, what he means to humanity is all still very important to me.   I mentioned that the most difficult part has been that I’ve not felt part of the church.  That i’m still sorting out some feelings because of how people in the church treat homosexuals.

He asked me how I reconcile what the Bible says about homosexuality.  I stated that it’s a long conversation but for starters biblical authors are referencing things going on that I’m also very much against.  I believe that when these acts were referenced they were despicable because they were brought on by force, coercion or by pagan ritual.   I think anyone who wants to dig seriously into this topic can find evidence for this.  I don’t think Paul was referencing two consenting adults pursuing a same sex relationship with one another.  There is more to interpretation than reading things at face value.  How about when Paul says that women should not speak in church?

We were almost to his place.  It was a pleasant conversation. Upon arrival as he was taking off his seat belt he asked if he could ask me an honest question.  He said, “from your perspective, what do you think you observed between me and my colleague this eve”?   I said that it appeared that she was working you pretty hard to come inside with her to have sex.  He said you’re right but we’re good people and I just wanted to make sure she got home safely.  He said he was a believer too and that he didn’t know how he felt about what we talked about but he would certainly keep me in his thoughts and prayers.  He handed me a $10 tip and was out there door.

 

We all do it

“Words kill, words give life; they are either poison or fruit-you choose”.

Proverbs 18:21 (The Message)

“Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue”

James 1:19 (The Message)

I wasn’t aware that after crossing the border into Canada that I would be surprised by one seemingly small difference in the landscape.   I had assumed Canada to be similar to the U.S.A. as Canada is just a few hundred miles away. It took me quite a while to realize it,  but the difference was that there were no messages along the highway.  Literally no billboards.

We drove from Michigan into Canada and the change was instantaneous.  It sound inconsequential but I had a small level of anxiety about it.  I wondered, how am I to know where the nearest gas station is?  Where will we eat if we’re hungry?  No one, or no messages were persuading me!  What will I look at now?  How will I learn about the cities that I am approaching if I don’t have these messages to look at on the highway?

The messages we hear and see on a daily basis have a tremendous impact on our lives.  We are used to them.  Often they go unchallenged and unchanged.  In the Bible, in the book of James, words (messages) are likened to a rudder on a ship having the power to turn the entire vessel.  Isn’t it true that our actions also speak too?  Some would say “actions speak louder than words”.  If my words have so much power then it must be true that my actions do as well.  James also makes a connection to action by saying our faith is dead if it is not accompanied by action. He says “what good is it” if we see someone in need and do nothing.  I like how James says things because he seems like a common sense kind of guy.

Jesus tells a story about a traveler who is left on the side of the road beaten and half dead.  Two men, a Priest and Levite pass by the man and do nothing.  These two men represented the religious culture of the day ( think of them as people who if Jesus was telling the story today would be the folks who go to church).  The third man was a Samaritan man.  He represented a class of people whom the Jews went out of their way to avoid.  When Jesus tells this story, the Samaritan is the one who demonstrates compassion towards the traveler.  He brings him to safety and pays for him to be taken care of.

Jesus tells this parable to a man who asked how he would receive eternal life. This man was wondering what the bottom line was.  What is it really that you are teaching here Jesus?   Jesus’ answer is this  to love God and love your neighbor.  He turns to the man and asks which person in the story loved his neighbor.  The man’s answer was “the one who showed mercy”.  The man who showed godly kindness was the one who was marginalized by the religious culture.

Jesus tells us that we are to show basic human kindness indiscriminately and no one is unqualified to participate and be included in this activity. This love demonstration.  Unfortunately, in ways we may or may not even realize we segregate whom we will just tolerate and who we will love.  We make judgment calls not based on personal knowledge but on biased stereotypes.   We jump to conclusions and create separations when Jesus himself is calling us to love one another!

The messages we send by our actions and the things we say are important!   I wonder if we can use this as a guide for how we show basic human kindness to one another.  Is this what it looks like to really love those whom we encounter wherever we may go?

1 Corinthians 13  

Evaluate your love and ask yourself?

Am I demonstrating patience?

What about kindness?  Am I nice?  Only to their face?

Do I demonstrate good-will towards this person?

Is my relationship conditional upon something?  What about my love?  Can I be counted faithful by this person?

Do I fly off the handle and lose my cool or am I gentle?

Do I show self control?

Look at what the Message version says!

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

 

Who is it that God has put into your life that when it comes right down to it you don’t know how to love?  Think about why that might be and start sending the right message!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Pharisee and the Monster

It was in 7th grade that I learned to be a Pharisee.  The 8th grade boys began to question my relationship with a particular girl.  They wondered if I ever did inappropriate things with her. The thought had never even crossed my mind.  Thinking on my feet, I proclaimed that it was wrong to do such things and that I respected woman and would save that 2nd base stuff for marriage.  I learned that I could use religion and the Bible to pile on guilt to get them off my back.  I could also gain the respect of all the girls and youth leaders in the telling of this story.  I was such a good Christian young man. An example and leader.

I was different from the other boys growing up.  I knew it and hated it!  I wanted so badly to fit in with the guys.  I know now that what I was seeking was a connection.  Then I just saw it as a need to have a best friend.  I wanted a buddy.  Someone whom everyone knew was my best friend.

Brene Brown defines connection this way :

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

I was on the hunt for this.  I wanted this kind of connection, with another guy.  As much as I wanted it I never felt truly accepted or able to find my in.  I saw them relating with one another and I could never figure out what made their connection so tight.   Was there something wrong with me?  I’m too needy? Sensitive?  I wanted to be invited and included. I’m sure at times I was, but I never felt as though it was enough.

Early on I found myself in a quandary.  If I hung out with the girls too much I would be called a faggot .  I didn’t want to be rejected by they guys and seen as something that definitely felt derogatory. (even though I didn’t know what that was).  I would try to join the team and would always get picked last and teased for my lack of athleticism.   I became a constant observer of how other people perceived me.  I had to keep my secret.  I had to be someone I wasn’t to fit in.

There were certain urges and desires I noticed that other guys had towards girls.  Their attraction to them seemed to be innate and at times out of control.  I would say all the same things they would but not feel the same way.  I learned to lie and fake it.  My arousal would not be in thinking about girls but about guys.  Was there something wrong with me? Was I was broken?  Am I a monster?

It was very easy to decide who I would be.  I didn’t drink, smoke and was committed to no sex before marriage.  I didn’t swear and listened only to Christian music. I went on mission trips, got involved in my youth group, played guitar and eventually led worship for my high school chapel. My identity revolved around doing the right thing according to the Bible. The alternative would be to expose the monster I believed myself to be.  No one can know about the real me.

I felt myself unworthy and broken.  It seemed to me that when my friends started dating that a significant portion of their seeking a connection with a girl was based on their level of innate attraction to them.  I saw the guys around me do ridiculous things for girls and assumed that much of that was fueled by this built in natural sense of wonder and amazement they had about a beautiful girl they were chasing.  I wished I felt that way about girls.  No amount of trying or praying for my attractions to change made any difference.  I had to learn how to live with my secret. I didn’t want to be gay.  So I faked being straight.

As I recount my years growing up in church, christian schools and my 18 years of ministry as a Pastor I have a lot of questions. Sometimes I wonder if everything was a lie.  Was it all just a cover up?  Did I cling to religion to avoid being a monster? What was my true motivation?  Was it to honor God or to not let anyone know the truth about me? Am I that diabolical? Did I really love Jesus or just hide behind him?  If this is true I really am a monster.

Over the years the Pharisee in me has lost a lot of his influence.  I learned and observed along the way that kindness and compassion were necessary for people to feel accepted and that they belong. This is what I longed to feel and if I couldn’t feel it I would help others feel that.  Nevertheless, all the good things I had stored up and people I have helped seemed pale in comparison to the confusion and hurt I have caused.

Here are some of the things I heard others say.

“How can you call yourself a Christian and be gay?”

“You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“The Bible says”

“We’re praying for your salvation and deliverance”

“God has hardened your heart and turned you over to your sin”

“you are going to be held accountable for your actions”

I have to preach a sermon to myself these days.  The message of Jesus is clear that I am loved and accepted unconditionally.    EPHESIANS 2:8-9 “For it is by grace (undeserved kindness) that you have been saved (the wrong in my life does not have the power to condemn me) ,through faith (I do believe that the cross demonstrates God’s offering of forgiveness) and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works (what? all the good I have done doesn’t make me better?), so that no one can boast (Pharisee!)”.

ROMANS 8:1 “There is no condemnation (no more shame) for those who are in Christ Jesus”

Who is the Pharisee?

What is the Monster?

 

Let’s just say…hot tub

“Our Church leaders will be holding a meeting soon to discuss what to do about this.”

“We will be coming out with a public statement on our stand.”

“They have an agenda you know.”

My ears perked up as I sat in the YMCA hot tub overhearing two men discuss the “issue of homosexuality” in the Church.  Prior to coming out I had been a part of these conversations with my church leadership too.  We had heard that some churches in the area had decided to put out a public statement that homosexuality is in fact a sin.  They wanted it to be clear to all who attended their ministries their theological position.

I leaned in and asked these guys to pardon me because I couldn’t help but overhear.  I wondered if I could ask them a few questions about the conversation they were having.  They were very polite as I inquired about whether they knew anyone who was gay.  The larger of the two men said “yes, they are nice people and very welcome in our church”.  I inquired whether they felt that a LGBT person would feel comfortable coming to their church after making such a point to make sure that everyone knows that it is a sin?

Essentially the conversation led them to saying that “the Bible says that it’s wrong”.  In return I stated that the Bible says many things and declares a lot of behaviors and actions as sin. They had no idea that I had been a pastor for 18 years and that months prior I had just come out to my wife, family, friends and church.

“You are correct that the Bible has many things to say about sin” I said.  “For instance, it has very specific things to say about gluttony and being overweight”.  I felt like we were having a fun and respectful banter so I went there. “Sir, you  are obviously not taking the best care of your body and one could claim that you are abusing the temple of the Holy Spirit”.  The Bible does say that it is gluttony to overeat.  I grabbed my belly and referenced my behavior of overeating as well.  I asked how they would feel if when they went to my church they read our public statement about obesity.  I asked how they would feel if the pastor made constant references to to obesity being sin. How many times would someone have to quote scriptures about gluttony and hand out weigh down workshop brochures before ascertaining that you aren’t good enough to belong?

Let’s just say that homosexuality is a sin.  I wonder why some people feel that their first response is to quote scripture.   Is this the appropriate response?  Declare the line in the sand? I just want you to know that I see wrong in your life when I compare it to what I read in the Bible.   How can I politely say that I can see see “sin” in your life too. Is it completely appropriate for me to point it out to you?  Especially when you haven’t spoken to me in years. Do you just want to speak your mind or do you want to also listen and engage in conversation?

There is a new tension as I live in between two worlds.  This past year I have attended a church where I know their “theological position” on LGBT issues.  It also happens to be one of the sister campuses to the church that I helped start.  While there I seem to be constantly assessing whether people are talking about me.  I wonder if this is where I am to belong.  Is it possible as I engage further someone may raise contention with me being openly gay.  Will that be good for me?  Will that be good for the church? Do they want me?

I’ve also visited several churches that are “open and affirming” to gay people.  There are gay couples in the congregation and LGBT folks in leadership of the church.  In this particular denomination there are even pastors who are openly gay.  I wonder about belonging in this context as well.  I’ve always felt a sense of participating in resolving injustice.  To be a part of a church that had these conversations 20 years ago about homosexuality makes this issue seem a moot point. Nevertheless, would this be a healthier option for me where i’m not worried about whether i’ll be accepted for my orientation?

The conversation about what the Bible says and what it means to be a gay Christian is a hot topic these days.  I know I have some decisions to make as far as how I would like to position myself in that discussion.  Will I be someone who engages people in the conversation or will I watch as others do it?  All I know for sure right now is that I have decided that I will tell my story.  I was a pastor.   Being a pastor will always be a part of me.  I long to point people to Jesus, and, I am gay.

Sympathy versus Empathy

DISCLAIMER:  This post will make more sense if you watch both of the videos I’ve posted.   In total they are about 23 minutes long.

Prior to coming out, my emotions and feelings often felt like they would betray me.  If you watched Brene Brown’s video The Power of Vulnerability you hear her talk about numbing emotions.  That’s what I did.  The best way to describe it is that I kept them in a place where no one could see them.  Eventually much of my feelings were dim compared to how I perceived others in their experience.   I saw people lose themselves in laughter, tears, joy and sorrow.  It was a rare occurrence for me to be moved emotionally.  I believed that something was wrong with me.  I experienced significant conflict in that I longed to feel more and yet guarded myself from my feelings.  I think people who did feel close to me just assumed that I was stoic, cool, calm, collected and unavailable at times. I secretly wondered if people could see the pain inside me. Could they tell that I was numb and hiding and protecting my feelings and emotions? I convinced myself and possibly others that I was just a stereotypical male who didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve.  The bottom line is that shame caused me to hide many of my deepest feelings and emotions. More on shame in another blog post.

My mom has told me a story about me when I was young.  She was giving my brother a hug and I stared from across the room.  She called me over so she could hug me too.  I wouldn’t come to receive the affection she wanted to give me.  What is that?  How did that distance from emotions and connection develop in my life?  I’m still trying to figure that out.  Was it simply from an early age that I understood myself to be different?  How did I know intrinsically that I couldn’t or didn’t want to share my feelings?  I don’t know.

I wished that I could feel more deeply.  Instead of following my heart I acted the way I knew I was expected to.  I had to tune into people’s expectations of me.  I could understand other people’s feelings and knew how to respond but I did not know empathy.  I knew what it looked like but not what it felt like.  I resisted being moved by other people’s emotions.  I longed for someone to perceive what was going on in my head but never dared to express my true thoughts.

Coming out and finally speaking about my sexuality opened those floodgates and I filled buckets with tears.  It was scary.  I would tear up at the simplest expression of kindness to me. My emotions were let out and so close to the surface.   My first year out I had landed a job at the local Chevy dealership and shortly thereafter one of my dear co-workers went through something very tragic.  Her ex-boyfriend took a knife and stabbed himself to death in front of my co-worker and his daughter.  Every time I thought about this tragedy I began to well up with tears.  Once Kairee came back to work I could barely look at her without being flooded with emotions.  I would see her across the room and notice that she was emotional and I would tear up.  I felt myself coming to life.  I let other people see me cry.  I walked miles in the dealership parking lot.   I would throw on my aviators, walk and let myself cry.  I cried with people who love me.  I was a mess and something about it felt really great.

Several months later a friend of mine reached out to me and wanted to see me after she had heard the news of divorce and my coming out.  She was a close family friend and my assistant youth pastor for a year in my last youth ministry position.  She had told me that when I invited her to come to work with me at the church she was so excited. She thought that maybe she could finally really get to know me.   When we sat across from one another at Applebees she stared me in the eyes and just said “Robb, I’m so sorry” and we both burst into tears.  She said that now she understands why it was so difficult for her to get to know me.  It all made sense to her now.  She saw the real me because I was no longer hiding.  I have nothing to hide any longer.

Experiencing empathy from others has been a key to my healing and to me accepting myself.   So many have expressed what I know to be sympathy and very few have climbed down the ladder to empathize.  Knowing how this salve works on ones soul it becomes a valuable commodity in relationships.  You value those who will not shame you further and work to connect their feelings with yours.  It is also something to practice in life as well.  It’s a true vulnerability that is an essential part of good friendship and developing the connections you long to have with others.

Click here to watch Brene Brown’s Video on Empathy versus Sympathy!

 

There’s nothing left in the closet!

October 3, 2013 I told my wife, parents, brothers, closest friends and the leadership of the church I was pastoring that I am gay.

My greatest fear was that once people learned of my secret they would treat me differently. I knew people would and they did.  A Pastor friend of my said “I get it Robb, it’s like you have had these helium balloons you’ve been trying to hold down your entire life and you’re tired.  You can’t do it anymore.”    He was so right.  I had to tell the truth no matter how great the fear was.

This year has been an incredible year of reflection and shame reduction. How did I get here?  I’m 39 years old, divorced with three children.  What will I do now?  What will I do after working 18 years for the Church? How do I live in my current state of hating myself because I believed I was broken?   I wondered how I would change after the truth came out.  Did I create so much trauma for myself that my personality and passions in life would dramatically shift?   I headed into a new vulnerability that whatever the cost I had to be who I am.  I am gay.  I did not choose to be gay. I am not ashamed of being gay.

To my surprise, I am still the same person with my passions and personality intact.  Coming out, telling people that I’m gay, the pain of divorce, the loss of relationship with people who don’t know how to love and be-friend me has changed me so much.  However, I am still recognizable to those who know me and love me.  I’m still me.  The major difference is that now I’m open and unashamed of what I had kept a secret for decades.  My favorite response this past year comes from my dad who I overheard on the phone to one of his friends.  He said “yep, Robb is here in Florida for a few days.  Yep, he’s doing good, same ole Robb, Just a little different love life”.

This year I’ve dealt with many responses to my coming out.  “I’ll call you later Robb to set up a time to take a look at your furnace” and no return call. .  Learning later that the guy who had fixed my furnace issues in the past stated that he couldn’t help me because he wasn’t going to condone my lifestyle.  I wonder if he has an interview process for all homeowners?

I’ve also had 3 former students who were a part of my youth ministry call me up and say “Robb, we know what’s going on and we want to let you know that we love you. We don’t think any differently of you and we want to take you out for a beer and talk”.  They spoke about how I had always been there for them and they now wanted to be there for me because I was hurting.

I experienced the fear of discrimination for the first time as I started my first ever full time job outside of working for the church.   I laughed internally as I heard my fellow sales staff correcting one another about their foul language around the guy who was a former Pastor.  I thought to myself, I wonder what’s going to happen when they learn that I’m gay?  Will they treat me differently?  Will I lose my job?

For years the mentioning of homosexuality had caused so much anxiety in me that I would avoid speaking with people about it whenever it would come up in conversation. It was just too close to the truth.  A don’t ask and don’t tell (or even talk about “it”) mentality is prevalent among the religious culture of West Michigan.  People know that I’ve come out but are paralyzed in how or what to do or say. In some circles I’m brave and in others a coward.  People who believe that being gay is not a choice believe that it took great courage to come out.  They have told me that they are proud of me.  Those who believe being gay is a choice see my announcement pointing to a despicable addiction and will continue to pray (and have told me they are praying for this for me) that I renounce my choice to be gay.  Or that I will not enter into any relationship with another man.  Consequently, it is this second group that I feel most compelled to influence.  I get it.  No one knows what to do with the Pastor who comes out and says he’s gay and divorces his wife to live openly as a gay man.   It’s not that common.

A young man I met this year was scrambling to come up with a plan “b” for where he was going to live for fear that when he told his parents he is gay they would kick him out.  After meeting with him several times he made a decision that he was going to tell them.  His report of their unconditional love was remarkable. Unfortunately, this is not always the story as other’s have told me the opposite response from their parents and families.   Another friend reported that as he shared the news with his family his mother exclaimed “you have ruined my life”.   There is nothing more devastating than being rejected by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.

I’m not sure what this “telling” will do.  But, I hope that maybe in me telling my stories, engaging in some conversation, that I may be able to help bring some consideration to some of the ways in which our beliefs and actions about homosexuality cause so much damage to the name of the one who loved unconditionally and to the soul of the homosexual.